Tuesday, September 30, 2008
You know it really sucks when you are bummed. It sucks even more when you can't seem to find anyone to talk to about it. You call and no one answers their phone. You IM and must have just missed them. This only adds to the bummedness. You start to think that somehow you have pissed a bunch of people off in a very short peroid of time. Logic says that couldn't have possibly happened, but damned if your gut dosent tell you otherwise. It only makes it worse when your brain starts to sort through the events of the past few days and begins to tell you that you may have pushed someone away, when in actuality, that was the last thing you ever wanted to do. Then you start to think you are going crazy. Stupid brain imagining things. So you decide to write it all down and post it where no one will read it but at least it is out there. Que up some Pantera on the playlist and type til you feel better, or so you hope. This is my place for confession, for pouring out my soul and hoping that I can sort it all back out before I need it again. My boss makes me paranoid if I have to be in the same room with her for more than about 5 minutes. It gives me these horrible headaches behind my right eye most of the time. Didn't used to be that way, I was one of the wierd employees that enjoyed my supervision meetings. I have drawn parallels between my life and the life of the biblical Moses. Sitting here in Midion wondering what is next in the plan. I think I have seen my burning bush. I hope that is the fire I felt, the light I saw. Something calls me back to a place I was before, to do what, I am not sure. I felt like I was called to this place I am now in. I have been happy here and feel like I have accomplished much good for both myself and for others, but I feel empty, something is still missing. So I feel the call to return to the city I left in saddness and dispair, to change course and head in another direction. Switch to Sixteen Horsepower, need a little more mournful voice than Phil Anselmo. Taking your gun and vanishing sounds like a good plan right now but I cannot abandon my charges. They are my anchor, both keeping me from drifting away and possibly dragging me toward the center of the earth as well. Freedom soon will come, then we'll come from the shadow. Powerful stuff. Now French I do not understand. I worry about myself, letting the desire of what I have had in the past outweigh the desire to keep my sanity. Sanity is a good thing. I want to keep it, so terribly bad. Two dreams, one that is afraid of what will come and one that is too afraid of herself to let go of what is dragging her down. Wish I could go into the shadows and hide.